Saturday, October 14, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
95%
At some point, possibly tomorrow BUT no promises, I have a bunch of recent photos and a video to put up here. We've been reasonably busy lately just with daily life and such.
The couple of weekends (minus last weekend) my dad and I have been driving up to my brother's house to fix some things. It's been a fun time between the 3 of us and my brother and I have learned a lot from my dad regarding construction. It's also nice to just be up there with family. Last weekend was even better as my mother, Amy, and Roy all made the trip up as well.
School is going pretty well. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm taking some classes? Yeah, I'm enrolled at the University of Maine Augusta. Human Biology and American Government. I'm waiting for transcripts to come through and the process to play out before I'm actually "accepted" into a program. Until then, I won't really know how the rest of my undergrad work will pan out. I'm hoping that my fastest course of action will be through an Interdisciplinary degree in which case credits from WOLBI and LU will potentially transfer AND apply moreso than if I enrolled in a specific program of study. If not then I'm probably going to either tough out the English program or maybe even perhaps Political Science. I really just want to get done w/ undergrad asap and move on to University of Maine Orono for grad work in English. That's really the main goal that I have.
Roy has had a doctor's visit since I posted last. He's doing very well developmentally. He scored in the 95% for both weight and height (14 lbs, 25 inches) for his age. He's been getting better and better with basic motor skills. He's discovered his fingers and thumb AND how to get them in his mouth. He's also become insanely verbal over the last month. Boy do I ever love that! He and I sit and have conversations on a daily basis! He LOVES his mom and dad!
The couple of weekends (minus last weekend) my dad and I have been driving up to my brother's house to fix some things. It's been a fun time between the 3 of us and my brother and I have learned a lot from my dad regarding construction. It's also nice to just be up there with family. Last weekend was even better as my mother, Amy, and Roy all made the trip up as well.
School is going pretty well. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm taking some classes? Yeah, I'm enrolled at the University of Maine Augusta. Human Biology and American Government. I'm waiting for transcripts to come through and the process to play out before I'm actually "accepted" into a program. Until then, I won't really know how the rest of my undergrad work will pan out. I'm hoping that my fastest course of action will be through an Interdisciplinary degree in which case credits from WOLBI and LU will potentially transfer AND apply moreso than if I enrolled in a specific program of study. If not then I'm probably going to either tough out the English program or maybe even perhaps Political Science. I really just want to get done w/ undergrad asap and move on to University of Maine Orono for grad work in English. That's really the main goal that I have.
Roy has had a doctor's visit since I posted last. He's doing very well developmentally. He scored in the 95% for both weight and height (14 lbs, 25 inches) for his age. He's been getting better and better with basic motor skills. He's discovered his fingers and thumb AND how to get them in his mouth. He's also become insanely verbal over the last month. Boy do I ever love that! He and I sit and have conversations on a daily basis! He LOVES his mom and dad!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
PHOT-ABULOUS
Friday, July 21, 2006
Home
Home. July 21, 2006.
The last few days have brought incredible progress with Jeffrey Roy Bickford, III. Since the 18th, we've just patiently waited for little Roy to adjust to his medicine, begin feeding well, blood tests to return, and for his primary Dr. to return for his re-evaluation. Today all of this finally came to a head and Roy was discharged late this morning! We were INCREDIBLY excited to receive this kind of news! It was totally unexpected; that we'd be able to bring him home this soon! So, thank the Lord!
Durring our time at the hospital, we were able to really settle in with the environment as well as accept the circumstances as more than just a time for us to learn from God. We knew full well that this was an extremely wonderful opportunity to enourage other parents whose children were also in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. We were able to indentify with their pain and fears as precisely as possible. People encourage and support one another through hardship by saying the right things at the right time. But there is a HUGE difference between people who have actually experienced that same hardship and those who haven't. Those who haven't experienced the particular hardship say things because they're the right things to say, and I firmly believe that people usually mean exactly what they say in those moments. There's nothing wrong with that and it's perfectly fine and good. However, when you know that the person offering that encouragement/support is doing so because they've experienced the same thing or nearly so, there's just a greater degree of genuity to their words and actions. I don't know why I'm going to such great lengths to explain this when it's all clearly spelled out in II Corinthians:
While we were at the hospital we spent some time talking with several different parents whose children were also being cared for in the NICU. One family will forever stand out from the rest and I doubt will ever leave my conscience. I believe it was our second night at Maine Med. when a couple gave birth to 24 week old twins. For the "pregnancy-unaware," that ain't long at all. Roy was born 8 lbs. 6 oz. These little boys were born 1 1/4 lb. We were introduced to this family through the grandparents one evening who were observing Amy and I with Roy. They were clearly burdened by the entire ordeal with their little grandchildren, but extremely hopeful for the best. I made it my mission when speaking with them at every encounter to let them know that THE CREATOR of those little tykes was the care taker above all that mankind can do for itself. The Lord God is the sustainer of all life. We commited to praying for them, that God would have mercy on their lives and that the future would be one of fulfilled hope. We understood the fear, compassion, and utter heartbreak of such a situation and they knew it. We later met the proud yet fearful parents. Again, all four of us first time parents and understanding that we both knew the hardship one another faced. But, praise God, Amy and I exuded nothing but hope in the Lord for both situations. This is not to gloat but simply to testify of the wonderful work of faith GOD HAD DONE in both of our lives and that God was given glory in such dire circumstances.
Upon hearing our good news this a.m. about being discharged, we wasted little time to get back to the Ronald McDonald House to clean our room and check out. As we rounded the corner from the NICU, our eyes fell upon the lamentations of the two grandparents among other family members. The grandfather approached me but couldn't finish his trek before falling to peices, letting me know that they had lost one of the twins and that they were going to say goodbye. What do you say to something like that? The grandmother looked to us with tearful eyes and said, "We still have one, though. We still have one." This scene had only confirmed my worst fear for this family. Ealier in the morning, as Amy and I sat and had breakfast we saw the parents. This time instead of conversation all they did was exchange quiet looks; the mother visibly upset as the father looked at me with his upper lip tucked.
I still haven't made sense of all of this; why, upon hearing such great news for ourselves, God had placed this sobering scene before our eyes. It did help us realize that a child truly is a gift from the Lord, as Psalm 127 proclaims. We will never take our gift for granted and will go on to testify of His grace, mercy, and love. For this family (I don't know whether or not they've been reconciled to God) all I could do was hope and intercede for them; that this tragedy would not result in anger, bitterness, hatred, and doubt. But that it would influence them to faith, somehow. I'm not sure how, but somehow. It's so hard for me to make sense of it. But, that makes sense.
... "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
____________________________________________________
12:03 a.m., July 22, 2006
We're home with a crying baby. What a joy! Our first evening together at home has been incredibly surreal. We're just plain happy. Forever thankful.
Pictures will be up sometime. I just got a new camera and I'm trying to figure out where the software "hides" all of these pictures on my computer. Sorry for the wait. :o(
The last few days have brought incredible progress with Jeffrey Roy Bickford, III. Since the 18th, we've just patiently waited for little Roy to adjust to his medicine, begin feeding well, blood tests to return, and for his primary Dr. to return for his re-evaluation. Today all of this finally came to a head and Roy was discharged late this morning! We were INCREDIBLY excited to receive this kind of news! It was totally unexpected; that we'd be able to bring him home this soon! So, thank the Lord!
Durring our time at the hospital, we were able to really settle in with the environment as well as accept the circumstances as more than just a time for us to learn from God. We knew full well that this was an extremely wonderful opportunity to enourage other parents whose children were also in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. We were able to indentify with their pain and fears as precisely as possible. People encourage and support one another through hardship by saying the right things at the right time. But there is a HUGE difference between people who have actually experienced that same hardship and those who haven't. Those who haven't experienced the particular hardship say things because they're the right things to say, and I firmly believe that people usually mean exactly what they say in those moments. There's nothing wrong with that and it's perfectly fine and good. However, when you know that the person offering that encouragement/support is doing so because they've experienced the same thing or nearly so, there's just a greater degree of genuity to their words and actions. I don't know why I'm going to such great lengths to explain this when it's all clearly spelled out in II Corinthians:
| Blessed {be} the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, | |
| who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. | |
| But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; | |
| and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are {sharers} of our comfort. |
While we were at the hospital we spent some time talking with several different parents whose children were also being cared for in the NICU. One family will forever stand out from the rest and I doubt will ever leave my conscience. I believe it was our second night at Maine Med. when a couple gave birth to 24 week old twins. For the "pregnancy-unaware," that ain't long at all. Roy was born 8 lbs. 6 oz. These little boys were born 1 1/4 lb. We were introduced to this family through the grandparents one evening who were observing Amy and I with Roy. They were clearly burdened by the entire ordeal with their little grandchildren, but extremely hopeful for the best. I made it my mission when speaking with them at every encounter to let them know that THE CREATOR of those little tykes was the care taker above all that mankind can do for itself. The Lord God is the sustainer of all life. We commited to praying for them, that God would have mercy on their lives and that the future would be one of fulfilled hope. We understood the fear, compassion, and utter heartbreak of such a situation and they knew it. We later met the proud yet fearful parents. Again, all four of us first time parents and understanding that we both knew the hardship one another faced. But, praise God, Amy and I exuded nothing but hope in the Lord for both situations. This is not to gloat but simply to testify of the wonderful work of faith GOD HAD DONE in both of our lives and that God was given glory in such dire circumstances.
Upon hearing our good news this a.m. about being discharged, we wasted little time to get back to the Ronald McDonald House to clean our room and check out. As we rounded the corner from the NICU, our eyes fell upon the lamentations of the two grandparents among other family members. The grandfather approached me but couldn't finish his trek before falling to peices, letting me know that they had lost one of the twins and that they were going to say goodbye. What do you say to something like that? The grandmother looked to us with tearful eyes and said, "We still have one, though. We still have one." This scene had only confirmed my worst fear for this family. Ealier in the morning, as Amy and I sat and had breakfast we saw the parents. This time instead of conversation all they did was exchange quiet looks; the mother visibly upset as the father looked at me with his upper lip tucked.
I still haven't made sense of all of this; why, upon hearing such great news for ourselves, God had placed this sobering scene before our eyes. It did help us realize that a child truly is a gift from the Lord, as Psalm 127 proclaims. We will never take our gift for granted and will go on to testify of His grace, mercy, and love. For this family (I don't know whether or not they've been reconciled to God) all I could do was hope and intercede for them; that this tragedy would not result in anger, bitterness, hatred, and doubt. But that it would influence them to faith, somehow. I'm not sure how, but somehow. It's so hard for me to make sense of it. But, that makes sense.
Job 1:21-22
... "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
____________________________________________________
12:03 a.m., July 22, 2006
We're home with a crying baby. What a joy! Our first evening together at home has been incredibly surreal. We're just plain happy. Forever thankful.
Pictures will be up sometime. I just got a new camera and I'm trying to figure out where the software "hides" all of these pictures on my computer. Sorry for the wait. :o(
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
July 18th, 2006
Some of you are at least aware of the problems that baby Roy has endured. His parents have also endured an incredible day of shock, faith, and love for each other and our little boy, Roy.
I'm writing this from a computer located at the Ronald McDonald House in Portland, ME; just 2-3 blocks from the main entrance to Maine Medical Center where our newborn son resides in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for the time being. We plan to stay here for the durration of Roy's stay in the hospital, so my ability to update and communicate over the phone may be limited. Most of our time has been spent either with our son or our immediate family members, so don't be offended if I don't answer my phone or return calls right away.
This isn't just a mere update as I so often use this blog to do. I'm going to recount the events of today as they have unfolded as an additional means of "therapy" to just sort of recap for myself and evaluate all that Amy and I have experienced today. This has been a landmark event in our lives.
Neither of us have slept for very long at all today and our diet has been at a minimum. My point is that coherence may be lacking, but that would be a fitting testament of the turmoil that has been July 18th, 2006.
I can safely say that this has been the HARDEST experience of our lives that either of us have had to endure. We have discovered that there is just something so incredibly unique about the love that a parent has for their own child. I've determined that this love has got to be (even if it is at its minimal capacity) somewhat like the love that God has for all of humanity.
All of these events occured on Tuesday, July 18th, 2006; the day that our family was to be discharged from the hospital and to begin our lives together in our own home.
2:00 a.m. -
My wife woke up to go to the bathroom. We had just settled Roy down to sleep only an hour earlier. I had been fast asleep ever since then for the total of one hour. Amy noticed Roy fussing a bit in his bassinet. When she took a closer look, she noticed a definite, rhythmic twitching happening with Roy's left arm as well as his head. This apparently lasted for no more than approximately one minute. Amy called in the nurse and they determined to wait and see if it happened again. While the nurse was still present in the room, Roy went into another one of these seizures; this time his left leg included in the twitching. The nurse immediately wheeled him into the nursery for further observation and called for our pediatrition (Dr. Kamerer, spelling I am not sure of... we'll refer to him as Dr. K.) to come in.
3:00 a.m. -
Amy wakes me from sleep; of which I have had two hours of at this time. She informs me that she's headed to the nursery where Roy has been for the last hour. In my glazed stupor of sleep, I ask why and she tells me about his seizures. The full implication of this has not set in as I crawl out of bed to accompany my wife and see what's going on. My wife's calmness (which later I've determined to be a state of shock that I soon would share in) would prove to be deceiving. Roy had been hooked up to several monitors and was fast asleep. The nurse recounted all that had happened. Still in a glazed stupor, nothing was setting in.
3:30 a.m. -
Dr. K. arrives at the hospital. Now, over the past 48 hours time has not meant anything to us other than a mere means to count the hours between feedings and diaper changes. Our world has been existing soley upon whole numbers and not much else. That stopped upon Dr. K's arrival as I soon realized that a pediatrician being called into the hospital at 3:30 a.m. was probably not a normal standard protocall for something less than serious. My assumption as correct. Dr. K ordered several blood tests to be run as well as for Roy to be given medication (Phxxx Baritrol orsomething like that... my tired mind can't exactly recall the name). This medicine prevents the occurance of seizures. Dr. K informs us of the tests that he plans to administer and that he will call the NICU at Maine Med. in Portland for other advice. He mentioned the distinct possibility of Roy being sent there this morning. It is at this time that Amy and I realize that something has gone horribly awry. I notice Amy breaking down emotionally and I simply cannot ignore the very same tug on my own heart. I believe that we were mostly still in a state of shock and disbelief that we were experiencing this. I believe that because when we went back to our room we discussed what we would do: try to get some sleep until Dr. K came to update us on test results and NICU's reccomendation so that if we had to drive to Maine Med., we would be prepared to do so. We neither slept nor drove ourselves to Portland, a 1.5 hour treck from Augusta.
Over the next 1.5 hours I found it impossible to gather my wits about me. To give Amy a chance to rest I spent most of my time pacing in the hall or sitting in the bathroom simply grieving and praying. I had never been more pained in the entirety of my life.
5:00 a.m. -
Dr. K enters our room to update us. I believe we were able to catch about an hour of restless sleep between sessions of outright sobbing. Dr. K informs us that all of the tests that he is able to administer at this hospital in Augusta came back negative and that the pediactric team from Barbara Bush Children's Hospital located in the same building as NICU were on their way. The meltdown that occured between us is one that I have never experienced before in my life. Worry was far from our minds. It wasn't a case of self-pity either. Our greatest pain was that our son's health was in jeopardy and that there was absolutely nothing we could do aside from support each other with words of Truth and the most desperate prayer of our lives.
We placed sobful phone calls to the usual suspects (parents, friends in far off lands) asking for prayer support and logistical support. We were in no shape to be driving. There was no getting a hold of ourselves. We soon found out that we needed the incredible emotional support that can be offered by few: our families have been incredible.
I found a place to be alone and to simply cry out to God, "Help us God, Help us please!" All I could do was repeat the verse from Job "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord." I know that God had not taken as He had with Job. But to us the first 40+ hours with our son was filled with nothing but complete joy. It was the biggest high of our lives. Just complete elated. My next blog entry was to go into more detail about that time. I know it isn't lost and that eventually we will be able to reflect back onto that time without experiencing great sorrow. The mean time is a mere shadow; a test of our faith... an opportunity for our faith to grow.
The next 20 minutes would offer me the greatest challenge that I had never expected to face in my first 48 hours as a father. I could continue to sob in my fearful shock and grief by my lonesome or I could go and stand beside my son regardless of his condition that I had longed to never have to face. I realize now that my decision was more than that. My decision was one of love in it's rawest sense. My weakness' and waivering faith had to be shoved aside. Apart from God's sovereign enablement, His gracious and merciful intervention; I don't know where this kind of strength could have came from. I can't attribute our strength as mother and father to anything or anyone else other than 'I AM.'
6:30 a.m. -
Arrangements had been made. My mother (who works at the hospital in Augusta as a case worker) had already arrived and would drive us to Portland. She also knows just about everyone that works at Maine General Augusta and is very familiar with all of the procedures involved in moving patients from one place to another. Amy's mother and father would be meeting us in Portland.
The team of pediatricians from BBCH/NICU had arrived with their specialized peidiactric ambulance. Amy and I had our final moments with Roy before he was to be examined and prepared for the journey to Portland. The pain that these momories bring is still at this moment (I just realized) just as vivid as can be. My words to Roy: "I love you. God is taking care of you."
This is the last time I can recall having looked at a clock and observing the time until we arrived at the Ronald McDonald House at around 1:10 p.m. in order to check in and to get some sleep. I'll attempt to account for all that happened before then as best as I can.
From the moment we said our goodbyes to Roy we entered a whirlwind of standardized briefings from the pedi. team as well as paperwork. I remember nothing other than signing my name on several documents releasing my son to the care of lots of different people.
Amy completed the discharge process from the hospital and the next thing I can remember is loading our stuff and ourselves in my mother's van. The drive down was torture. We wanted nothing more than to be with our son. We were tired, hungry, and in the most desperate state of being we can remember. Thankfully my mom realized that we probably had not been eating well. I knew I was incredibly hungry, but I only ate because I knew I had to. No other desire existed in me other than to reach the bedside of my son. At the same time, this desire was accompanied by the same grief I'm sure I've mentioned too many times by now. We were helpless apart from the grace of God.
We finally arrived at NICU and were briefed by several different people. I don't remember the names of the umpteen different people who we've conversed with. I'm pretty sure that none of them expected that we would, either. At any rate, we were finally able to join Roy. Just to be able to touch his hand provided such incredible comfort and a bit of peace to our longing hearts. We calmed down enough to be able to sit and talk with our caseworker after we had done so with the nurse. They still had many tests to administer to Roy; none of which they reccomended we stay for. Our caseworker gave us the run down on the ins and outs of the NICU standards, who was going to be taking care of Roy, and that she had reserved a room for us here at the Ronald McDonald House (which is essentially free). In the midst of our tiredness and grief we were able to attribute all of this as having been provided for us by God. Oh how He has taken care of our family. The care that they provide at NICU is just surreal to me. Several different specialists had and would soon be attending to him as well as some of the most caring nurses I've ever met.
Once they had finished performing a spinal tap on Roy we were able to spend a little bit more time with him and then decided it best that we check in to the RMH to get some sleep. My brother, sister-in-law (and 4 mos. old nephew), and father were all on planning on arriving at 5:00 p.m.
We got about 3 hours of sleep and then walked back to NICU to be w/ Roy as well as to meet with the specialists in order to recieve their initial assessments taken from a sonogram, blood work, EEG, spinal tap, and MRI. Essentially, this is what they had determined: Roy had most likely suffered from a small stroke (hemorage in the brain) in utero. The timing of it is vague, though at minimum they believe it was at least several weaks before birth and maybe a month +. Though it is irreversible damage to the brain, they assured us of their optimism and encrouragement that this had happened in utero and not durring the process of labor/birth. This is good because the brain has the inredible ability to re-wire itself, especially durring these early developmental stages of life. It also means that this is something that has happened a while ago and not recently, so everything we've known/seen of him thus far is exactly how/who he is (a big relief). The hemorage only affected a very small portion of the right frontal lobe in an area believed to only be responsible for motor skills relevant to the left side of the body (which explains the twitching on the left side durring the seizures). They still have more tests to run as well as a more detailed examination of the MRI, but they're pretty sure that the body had already cleansed itself of the hemorage and at this point there is no need for any kind of surgery. They also assured us that Roy wasn't facing a life or death situation. If everything continues to go well with Roy and that they're able to rule out every other possible problem, they expect to be able to discharge Roy sometime at the end of the week. As far as the effects of the stroke, they're uncertain. Basically time will tell. They say that seizures won't necessarily last beyond the 1st 12 mos if even that long; but they could also last longer. We'll be giving him a daily dosage of that same medicine (phxxxxx barbitol or whatever it's called) so that should keep him from having any more seizures. They think if there are long term effects, they'll be manifest in a weakness of motor skills on his left size and not much else (if anything else, I just can't remember exactly). By the end of the night tonight we were able to finally hold him (incredible tears of joy) and Amy will be able to attempt to resume feeding beginning tomorrow. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord!
So, our plan for now is to stay here as long as Roy stays. Some family has spent the night in a hotel and more visitors will follow from church, I'm sure. We're thankful for all the intercession that you all have made on our behalf. God has been incredibly glorified through all of this; many of you have played a part in that. Thank you for the unity of the Body that you have all taken part in. At this point I'm incredibly tired and have a long week or so ahead of me. I just want to tie one thing together --
Our love that we've found present in our relationship to Roy is much like the love that God has for the human race. We were alienated from our newborn son just as humanity had been alienated from God due to sin. The passion, grief, sorrow, and love that was manifested in that separation from Roy fails in comparison to that of God in his separation from all of mankind. But the "feel" of all of that gives us a greater understanding of God's love for His creation. Our answer was to drive to where our son is. God's answer was to sacrifice His Son, Jesus Christ, in order to pay the penalty that must be paid to forgive sin. Our son's condition doesn't prevent us from still being his parents or from being with him. Mankinds condition of sin (separation from God due to falling short of the standard of absolute perfection (holiness) is one that can only be remedied by faith (trust, belief, forsaking life apart from God) in Jesus Christ; who was ressurected and lives for all of eternity. We serve a living God.
I appologize for any minotiny, mispellings, and gramatical error. I'm tired, extremely emotional still, and just plain weary. Thank you for your continued intercession on our behalf. "The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."
Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved {even in his} sleep.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
I'm writing this from a computer located at the Ronald McDonald House in Portland, ME; just 2-3 blocks from the main entrance to Maine Medical Center where our newborn son resides in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for the time being. We plan to stay here for the durration of Roy's stay in the hospital, so my ability to update and communicate over the phone may be limited. Most of our time has been spent either with our son or our immediate family members, so don't be offended if I don't answer my phone or return calls right away.
This isn't just a mere update as I so often use this blog to do. I'm going to recount the events of today as they have unfolded as an additional means of "therapy" to just sort of recap for myself and evaluate all that Amy and I have experienced today. This has been a landmark event in our lives.
Neither of us have slept for very long at all today and our diet has been at a minimum. My point is that coherence may be lacking, but that would be a fitting testament of the turmoil that has been July 18th, 2006.
I can safely say that this has been the HARDEST experience of our lives that either of us have had to endure. We have discovered that there is just something so incredibly unique about the love that a parent has for their own child. I've determined that this love has got to be (even if it is at its minimal capacity) somewhat like the love that God has for all of humanity.
All of these events occured on Tuesday, July 18th, 2006; the day that our family was to be discharged from the hospital and to begin our lives together in our own home.
2:00 a.m. -
My wife woke up to go to the bathroom. We had just settled Roy down to sleep only an hour earlier. I had been fast asleep ever since then for the total of one hour. Amy noticed Roy fussing a bit in his bassinet. When she took a closer look, she noticed a definite, rhythmic twitching happening with Roy's left arm as well as his head. This apparently lasted for no more than approximately one minute. Amy called in the nurse and they determined to wait and see if it happened again. While the nurse was still present in the room, Roy went into another one of these seizures; this time his left leg included in the twitching. The nurse immediately wheeled him into the nursery for further observation and called for our pediatrition (Dr. Kamerer, spelling I am not sure of... we'll refer to him as Dr. K.) to come in.
3:00 a.m. -
Amy wakes me from sleep; of which I have had two hours of at this time. She informs me that she's headed to the nursery where Roy has been for the last hour. In my glazed stupor of sleep, I ask why and she tells me about his seizures. The full implication of this has not set in as I crawl out of bed to accompany my wife and see what's going on. My wife's calmness (which later I've determined to be a state of shock that I soon would share in) would prove to be deceiving. Roy had been hooked up to several monitors and was fast asleep. The nurse recounted all that had happened. Still in a glazed stupor, nothing was setting in.
3:30 a.m. -
Dr. K. arrives at the hospital. Now, over the past 48 hours time has not meant anything to us other than a mere means to count the hours between feedings and diaper changes. Our world has been existing soley upon whole numbers and not much else. That stopped upon Dr. K's arrival as I soon realized that a pediatrician being called into the hospital at 3:30 a.m. was probably not a normal standard protocall for something less than serious. My assumption as correct. Dr. K ordered several blood tests to be run as well as for Roy to be given medication (Phxxx Baritrol orsomething like that... my tired mind can't exactly recall the name). This medicine prevents the occurance of seizures. Dr. K informs us of the tests that he plans to administer and that he will call the NICU at Maine Med. in Portland for other advice. He mentioned the distinct possibility of Roy being sent there this morning. It is at this time that Amy and I realize that something has gone horribly awry. I notice Amy breaking down emotionally and I simply cannot ignore the very same tug on my own heart. I believe that we were mostly still in a state of shock and disbelief that we were experiencing this. I believe that because when we went back to our room we discussed what we would do: try to get some sleep until Dr. K came to update us on test results and NICU's reccomendation so that if we had to drive to Maine Med., we would be prepared to do so. We neither slept nor drove ourselves to Portland, a 1.5 hour treck from Augusta.
Over the next 1.5 hours I found it impossible to gather my wits about me. To give Amy a chance to rest I spent most of my time pacing in the hall or sitting in the bathroom simply grieving and praying. I had never been more pained in the entirety of my life.
5:00 a.m. -
Dr. K enters our room to update us. I believe we were able to catch about an hour of restless sleep between sessions of outright sobbing. Dr. K informs us that all of the tests that he is able to administer at this hospital in Augusta came back negative and that the pediactric team from Barbara Bush Children's Hospital located in the same building as NICU were on their way. The meltdown that occured between us is one that I have never experienced before in my life. Worry was far from our minds. It wasn't a case of self-pity either. Our greatest pain was that our son's health was in jeopardy and that there was absolutely nothing we could do aside from support each other with words of Truth and the most desperate prayer of our lives.
We placed sobful phone calls to the usual suspects (parents, friends in far off lands) asking for prayer support and logistical support. We were in no shape to be driving. There was no getting a hold of ourselves. We soon found out that we needed the incredible emotional support that can be offered by few: our families have been incredible.
I found a place to be alone and to simply cry out to God, "Help us God, Help us please!" All I could do was repeat the verse from Job "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord." I know that God had not taken as He had with Job. But to us the first 40+ hours with our son was filled with nothing but complete joy. It was the biggest high of our lives. Just complete elated. My next blog entry was to go into more detail about that time. I know it isn't lost and that eventually we will be able to reflect back onto that time without experiencing great sorrow. The mean time is a mere shadow; a test of our faith... an opportunity for our faith to grow.
The next 20 minutes would offer me the greatest challenge that I had never expected to face in my first 48 hours as a father. I could continue to sob in my fearful shock and grief by my lonesome or I could go and stand beside my son regardless of his condition that I had longed to never have to face. I realize now that my decision was more than that. My decision was one of love in it's rawest sense. My weakness' and waivering faith had to be shoved aside. Apart from God's sovereign enablement, His gracious and merciful intervention; I don't know where this kind of strength could have came from. I can't attribute our strength as mother and father to anything or anyone else other than 'I AM.'
6:30 a.m. -
Arrangements had been made. My mother (who works at the hospital in Augusta as a case worker) had already arrived and would drive us to Portland. She also knows just about everyone that works at Maine General Augusta and is very familiar with all of the procedures involved in moving patients from one place to another. Amy's mother and father would be meeting us in Portland.
The team of pediatricians from BBCH/NICU had arrived with their specialized peidiactric ambulance. Amy and I had our final moments with Roy before he was to be examined and prepared for the journey to Portland. The pain that these momories bring is still at this moment (I just realized) just as vivid as can be. My words to Roy: "I love you. God is taking care of you."
This is the last time I can recall having looked at a clock and observing the time until we arrived at the Ronald McDonald House at around 1:10 p.m. in order to check in and to get some sleep. I'll attempt to account for all that happened before then as best as I can.
From the moment we said our goodbyes to Roy we entered a whirlwind of standardized briefings from the pedi. team as well as paperwork. I remember nothing other than signing my name on several documents releasing my son to the care of lots of different people.
Amy completed the discharge process from the hospital and the next thing I can remember is loading our stuff and ourselves in my mother's van. The drive down was torture. We wanted nothing more than to be with our son. We were tired, hungry, and in the most desperate state of being we can remember. Thankfully my mom realized that we probably had not been eating well. I knew I was incredibly hungry, but I only ate because I knew I had to. No other desire existed in me other than to reach the bedside of my son. At the same time, this desire was accompanied by the same grief I'm sure I've mentioned too many times by now. We were helpless apart from the grace of God.
We finally arrived at NICU and were briefed by several different people. I don't remember the names of the umpteen different people who we've conversed with. I'm pretty sure that none of them expected that we would, either. At any rate, we were finally able to join Roy. Just to be able to touch his hand provided such incredible comfort and a bit of peace to our longing hearts. We calmed down enough to be able to sit and talk with our caseworker after we had done so with the nurse. They still had many tests to administer to Roy; none of which they reccomended we stay for. Our caseworker gave us the run down on the ins and outs of the NICU standards, who was going to be taking care of Roy, and that she had reserved a room for us here at the Ronald McDonald House (which is essentially free). In the midst of our tiredness and grief we were able to attribute all of this as having been provided for us by God. Oh how He has taken care of our family. The care that they provide at NICU is just surreal to me. Several different specialists had and would soon be attending to him as well as some of the most caring nurses I've ever met.
Once they had finished performing a spinal tap on Roy we were able to spend a little bit more time with him and then decided it best that we check in to the RMH to get some sleep. My brother, sister-in-law (and 4 mos. old nephew), and father were all on planning on arriving at 5:00 p.m.
We got about 3 hours of sleep and then walked back to NICU to be w/ Roy as well as to meet with the specialists in order to recieve their initial assessments taken from a sonogram, blood work, EEG, spinal tap, and MRI. Essentially, this is what they had determined: Roy had most likely suffered from a small stroke (hemorage in the brain) in utero. The timing of it is vague, though at minimum they believe it was at least several weaks before birth and maybe a month +. Though it is irreversible damage to the brain, they assured us of their optimism and encrouragement that this had happened in utero and not durring the process of labor/birth. This is good because the brain has the inredible ability to re-wire itself, especially durring these early developmental stages of life. It also means that this is something that has happened a while ago and not recently, so everything we've known/seen of him thus far is exactly how/who he is (a big relief). The hemorage only affected a very small portion of the right frontal lobe in an area believed to only be responsible for motor skills relevant to the left side of the body (which explains the twitching on the left side durring the seizures). They still have more tests to run as well as a more detailed examination of the MRI, but they're pretty sure that the body had already cleansed itself of the hemorage and at this point there is no need for any kind of surgery. They also assured us that Roy wasn't facing a life or death situation. If everything continues to go well with Roy and that they're able to rule out every other possible problem, they expect to be able to discharge Roy sometime at the end of the week. As far as the effects of the stroke, they're uncertain. Basically time will tell. They say that seizures won't necessarily last beyond the 1st 12 mos if even that long; but they could also last longer. We'll be giving him a daily dosage of that same medicine (phxxxxx barbitol or whatever it's called) so that should keep him from having any more seizures. They think if there are long term effects, they'll be manifest in a weakness of motor skills on his left size and not much else (if anything else, I just can't remember exactly). By the end of the night tonight we were able to finally hold him (incredible tears of joy) and Amy will be able to attempt to resume feeding beginning tomorrow. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord!
So, our plan for now is to stay here as long as Roy stays. Some family has spent the night in a hotel and more visitors will follow from church, I'm sure. We're thankful for all the intercession that you all have made on our behalf. God has been incredibly glorified through all of this; many of you have played a part in that. Thank you for the unity of the Body that you have all taken part in. At this point I'm incredibly tired and have a long week or so ahead of me. I just want to tie one thing together --
Our love that we've found present in our relationship to Roy is much like the love that God has for the human race. We were alienated from our newborn son just as humanity had been alienated from God due to sin. The passion, grief, sorrow, and love that was manifested in that separation from Roy fails in comparison to that of God in his separation from all of mankind. But the "feel" of all of that gives us a greater understanding of God's love for His creation. Our answer was to drive to where our son is. God's answer was to sacrifice His Son, Jesus Christ, in order to pay the penalty that must be paid to forgive sin. Our son's condition doesn't prevent us from still being his parents or from being with him. Mankinds condition of sin (separation from God due to falling short of the standard of absolute perfection (holiness) is one that can only be remedied by faith (trust, belief, forsaking life apart from God) in Jesus Christ; who was ressurected and lives for all of eternity. We serve a living God.
I appologize for any minotiny, mispellings, and gramatical error. I'm tired, extremely emotional still, and just plain weary. Thank you for your continued intercession on our behalf. "The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."
Psalm 127
Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the LORD guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved {even in his} sleep.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 128
How blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, Who walks in His ways.
When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands, You will be happy and it will be well with you.
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine Within your house, Your children like olive plants Around your table.
Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the LORD.
he LORD bless you from Zion, And may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life.
Indeed, may you see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel!
When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands, You will be happy and it will be well with you.
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine Within your house, Your children like olive plants Around your table.
Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the LORD.
he LORD bless you from Zion, And may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life.
Indeed, may you see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Jeffrey Roy Bickford, III
Just absolutely incredible. Just home for a quick refresh from the hospital.
Amy's labor began at 2:00 a.m. on Saturday, July 15. Around 5:45 p.m. the same day, we left the apt. for the hospital. At 8:01 a.m. Sunday, July 16th; Jeffrey Roy Bickford, III made his grand entrance into our world!
Thank you, God.
Jeffrey Roy Bickford, Jr.
(nephew/cousin, Gavin Wellington Bickford, basically sums up how we all feel right now and exactly what we hope to be doing sometime soon... but, who knows).